I was 25 and struggling with life in a small town after recently fleeing city life in Los Angeles due to a dirty, heart crippling, break up. No words could ever articulate the fiery,sick feeling associated with being abandoned by someone you thought was your last safe harbor. I loved him an eternal amount and spent hours staring into his eyes,head turned on our backs whilst listening to the traffic below in our dimly lit flat. We were both struggling musicians trying to find our voice and an audience in L.A and naively I never doubted that this would some day manifest into some sort of sweet reality for us both. Then one day he told me that he just didn’t love me anymore coldly and quite out of the blue. My last relationship was with a physically abusive man and when I found Pete he was so gentle I just fell into a safe place that I did not think I would ever have to leave. As i mentioned, the break up was grueling but to make matters worse shortly after he ripped all my organs including my heart and mind to pieces he was signed to a record label and haunted me through the the ether of internet fodder i:e articles in music blogs and being dubbed into a group of what was called musical innovation but was basically a bunch of over hyped hipsters squaking out the same thing that had been done 30 years before. Anyway… Landing back in that small town where anyone over 22 was married with children was the epic horror and failure that filled my nightmares. I was living with my parents and working as a waitress at a tiny greasy spoon that could of easily doubled as Mel’s Diner. Every day I felt the horrific pain of abandon and defeat like a fire destroying and agonizing me ..it all just felt like a bad fever dream and i ached to wake up back in LA buried sweet in sounds of traffic and chaos. Good chaos. I had one friend in the small town who was of course much younger than I since as i mentioned most folks my age were married and too engrossed with their day to day to want to spend time with a girl cursed with singleness and 25 y/o who still lived at home with the folks. i was a complete anomaly in my town with my thick rimmed spectacles(which now seem to be the norm)pixie cut(no one seemed to consider short haired girls as much worth) and jet black hair. In my town your hair was dyed fried and to the side. The pixie cut has once again become the fashionista go to style but in a very small town long hair is considered a woman’s glory and women with short hair are seen as tomboys,lesbians or just generally unattractive by the opposite sex. I was so lonely and isolated and it was driving my already weary mind more and more to the edge. The parents I lived with were cold and staunchly religious. My father had gotten physical with me on several occasions in the past,when i was a teen, among other things and this was just another thing festering in my bomb of a brain. I had been seeing a psychologist since my arrival and she admitted to me that she had patients who had committed suicide. I guess this should have been a deterrent but it was not. In a small town there are not many therapists available especially on the pitiful wages that i made. I was labeled bipolar and had been prescribed lithium in a quick mechanical fashion. Oh the joy of overmedicated America with quick labels thrown on us like bottles in a factory. The lithium made me heavy and sleepy and everyday dragged on. I felt like a snowball being rolled picking up more and more trash crap and generally horrible feelings. Then the day came and I could take no more. It was something I was always thinking of but on this day of crying and shouting to the sky, screaming at god, asking why ,it just made sense. I had a way to do it and more reasons than i felt I could handle. I had been listening to a lot of Nick Drake and Nico so I put the song”These Days” by Nico on and took my bottle of lithium in my hand. I spilled out the contents and began shoving the pink sick pills violently into my mouth. It was easy. I sat and waited for the comfort of death to take me into its dark arms. The music and pills moved me into a slowed state and my body began to tense and feel cold. Panic gripped me and held me by the throat shouting into my face to stop what was happening. Earlier my parents had left the house so I believed myself to be alls alone and had planned it that way but i heard the door and was confused as to what I should do. The panic was too much so I slowly lifted my horribly heavy body off the bed and decide to admit to my parents what i had done. As i have mentioned this was not my first time so their reaction was awful judgement peppered with disbelief. But this was real and I was dying. Lithium is horribly toxic and a wretchedly painful way too go. My stomach ached and throbbed. My head exploded and my skin was growing icier and more pale with each passing moment. My father dragged me into his big red,dirty pick up truck and off we went to the hospital. On the ride there I fell in and out of consciences like Alice falling down her rabbit hole. I don’t have any solid memories of my fathers reaction as I was too sick and in too much pain to notice. In that time I never felt like he would care if I died and maybe he would feel relieved at getting rid of the freak he had created through his flawed gene pool. Suicide was an inherited gene in my family. I feel much differently now about that statement but more on that later. Immediately upon arriving at the hospital I was carried onto a gurney and pushed quickly into an operating room where they hooked several machines onto me. I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and my father began to sob in thick horrible waves. Seeing my father cry was a grueling punishment. I heard the doctor talking about how my heart was slowing and that I might have to be taken in a helicopter to a larger hospital for kidney dialysis because my organs were beginning to shut down. Suddenly a nurse pushed a thick hard tube through my nose and into my stomach. All these things were happening so quickly. I asked the nurse if I was going to die and she said she honestly did not know and that lithium was a very toxic substance. I was barely conscious at that point and was very close to death. i knew this and i felt it as well. In some brief instance while unconscious I thought I saw strange beings that i could not even describe in human terms. They were strange and dark and death did not feel like a sweet relaxing thing at that point but just a cold darkness filled with strange abstract objects and beings. I am going to be pretty graphic in the next few sentences but I want you to know and feel what this was. It was a mistake. I awoke alone in a dark room with many machines hooked into my body including a catheter. I don’t know if you have ever experienced the excruciating torture of a catheter but if you have not what they are is a hard,cold tube pushed into your urethra through to your bladder. The tube that went from my nose down into my stomach had been removed at last. I looked at the monitor and noticed something was off. I noticed an air bubble traveling up the tube that was delivering some medicine or fluid into my arm intravenously. The alarm went off for several minutes before the nurse came and I was really freaking out thinking how this little bubble could stop my heart or at least that was what i thought. The nurse finally came and corrected the problem and I was left alone in the dark riddled with pain again. The charcoal that was used to cleanse my stomach decided it was time to make its grand re-entrance into the world and i was over come with stabbing cramps alerting me to the fact that I had to excrete that mess or die trying. Their were so many machines hooked into me including the catheter that I had to have help in the restroom as the thick foul smelling charcoal exited my body in huge painful waves out of my tender anus. All this well having to hold my catheter and in the presence of the nurse. My whole body ached in a way hard to imagine and my mind was prickly,electric,sensitive ,raw. A few days later when I was finally able to string together words and thoughts Doctor Whether explained what I had done to myself and suggested that I had done some very severe damage to my liver and kidneys and that I would need to stay for further observation. Of course. He also laid upon me the possibility that I might have to have permanent kidney dialysis for the rest of my life. PART ONE TO BE CONTINUED. Just a note …if you are considering suicide by overdose don’t try it. As any ER nurse will tell you it is pretty near impossible that you will indeed die and if you live you are left with both physical and mental problems beyond your wildest imagination. You are also guaranteed a hard tube shoved up your nose and into your stomach and left there hours while it pumps the contents of your stomach. do not underestimate the amount of pain it will cause you and your loved ones no matter how much you think they do not care about you. This was he last of several suicide attempts for obvious reasons and others I will get into later.